


surf's up Shinji-kun

by vexedeggdrinker



Category: Kamen Rider Ryuki
Genre: Blood and Gore, Cannibalism, I Don't Even Know, Joke Fic, M/M, Multi, NSFW, horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 19:59:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17904659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexedeggdrinker/pseuds/vexedeggdrinker
Summary: A joke fic inspired by 'My Immortal' featuring some of our favorite ryuki riders





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> All typos are intended to enhance the horrible experience. Not for the weak hearted or easily offended. *highkicks* Also im sorry, thhis fic is the second one in the tezushin tag, with the other being a fluffy and beautiful story. Please go read that story instead if you want a good time.

Shinji walked home one day and noticed that everyone was in his and ren’s house   
He said “hey everyone what’s going on”  
Asakura stares at him and says   
“It’s munchtime” and head’s into the bathroom. Shinji is confided but he turn to look at everyone else left anyway   
“Is there a party going on” Shinji asks but there is no response   
Gorokun is holding his comb menachingly and looking at Shinji with his eyes. Not breaking eye contact, he brings the comb up to Kitaoka’’s face (Kitaoka is standing beside him) and he licks the comb slowly and sensually. Gorio is tantalised by this and moans a little. They make eye contact and their faces get closer and closer, and they begin making out  
Shinji does not know what is going on   
Tezuka is shirtless and holding a neon pink surf board, and begins to run towards Shinji   
He grab s shinjus hand and says   
“Shinji I have predicted that a big wave is coming, let us surf” Ren is visbily enraged by this and takes shinji’s other hand “no don’t go with him”   
Shinji looks apologetically at rne and swoons over tezuka s flat but white chest   
Ren is now very angry and takes his deck out, henshinning   
“Duel with me for Shinji tEduak”   
“Ok” says tezuka in reply   
They both go into the mirror world and start to fight, Shinji following after to cheer tezuka on   
But, they stop in their tracks when they notice a figure already in the mirror world   
It’s Kenzaki Shirou!!!!!!   
‘Kenzaki Shirou????”   
They all shout   
“What are you doing here”   
Lan Zaki does a highkick, intimidating the trio   
“Tatakai(this means fight in Japanese) , who ever wins will get Shinji for himself”   
Tezuka and Ren begin to duke it out, punching each other to win their maiden’s heart   
Shinji cheers for tezuka 

“Wait guys don’t tatakai!!!!”   
Everyone looks at where the voice came from

It’s yui


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> horrible things ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhelp

Shinji waves happily at the new person   
“Hi yui! How did you come here”   
Yui waves back  
“Hi Shinji!”   
She angrily runs towards Kansaki Shiro  
“Onii-Chan you idiot!!!! Tatakai is bad! Stop the Tatakai and come home”   
“No yui you don’t understand.. not yet” 

Lanzaki Shiro fades away, leaving behind a feather   
A Long tear falls from yui’s face as they catches the feather gently, pressing it to her lips   
“Oni-Chan....” she sighs, turning to the three who stood there quietly “Please stop the fighting “   
Tezuka is angry at this, crossing his arms and shouting “After all I’ve done for you, you try to stop me from getting my wish??” Yui starts to cry, wetting the feather “I’m sorry tezuka!!! But this is not right!!!! No one should Tatakai” 

Tezuka slams his fist on the wall beside Ren, grabbing ren’s mask  
“Shinji belongs to me!! You will not stop me”   
“No shinji is mine”   
“You hand your chance Ren!!!!! I can make him happy” tezuka flies into a rage, throwing Shinji over his shoulder  
“Goodbye” he whips Ren in the ass before jumping out of the mirror world with Shinji 

Ren throws a fit, ignoring yui   
“Ren.....”   
he continues to ignore her, and she sighs  
“What should I do to stop the Tatakai

Meanwhile outside the mirror world   
“Tezuka, where are we going”  
Shinji asked   
“We will stop the Tatakai I lied to yui”   
“So you don’t want me??”   
Tezuka looks enraged   
“Of course I do, but I don’t need to fight for you becaus you would choose me in the end.”   
Shinji looks touched at this, enjoying the feel of tezuka’s chest against him 

He looks ahead, and is shocked   
“Tezuka!!! There’s someone in front of us”   
Tezuka stops walking and puts Shinji down 

It’s Kitaoka

He is holding a knife and there is blood everywhere on his nice suit   
“What happened Kitaoka!!” Shinji exclaims, staring in horror. Tezuka looks bored. 

“Look at my treasure” Kitaoka sighs, opening his hand to show something. 

They are goro Chan’s fingers!!!! 

“You bastard, what did you do with gorochan??? I thought you loved him!!!” Shinji cries, tears spring out of his eyes and hiding in tezuka’s chest for comfort. Tezuka pats him on the back to comfort him 

“Yes.... I loved him...... but I loved his fat, rotund digits more, Shinji. Surely you understand” 

“No!!!! I do not!!!!” Shinji yells. Tezuka is enraged that Shinji seems distressed, and glares at Kitaoka

“Get out of here!!!!” He shouts “you’re making him upset!!!!!!” 

Kitaoka smells the fingers  
“Ok” he agrees, and henshins into the mirror world for some privacy. 

A car pulls up beside the two.   
Asakura laughs from inside.


	3. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it gets worse

Shinji is puzzled   
“Asakura?!? What are you doing here” 

Asakura has tied the toilet to the back of the car. It smells bad and there is toilet water on the car. Jun is at the backseat laughing 

“Tanoshi” he smirks at the two. “Tanoshi”   
A fingerless gorochan is next to him, a gun to his sweating head. He seems to be crying. He is coated in a brown substance. 

They drive away leaving the two behind 

“Tezuka!! We have to save gorochan!!!!”  
“Why? He is not related to us”   
Shinji cries more, placing a hand on tezuka’s chest 

“Ok, we’ll go look for gorochan, Shinji. Please stop crying” 

Shinji smiles with tears in his eyes? Which are wiped away by tezuka. Tezuka picks him up bridal style and starts running in the direction that the car went. 

Meanwhile with Ren. 

Ren is at the hospital next to Eri, scrolling through photos of Shinji that he had taken discreetly. He flipped through them one by one, stopping to admire a picture of Shinji sleeping   
This was his favourite picture   
Shinji had some drool coming out of his mouth   
He had wiped it off with his handkerchief after taking it and it was in his pocket 

A scream comes from his mouth   
He is angry when his phone says that it has low battery  
He has a charging cable  
Ren looks around the room, spotting the breathing machine connected to the socket   
He won’t let such a stupid thing get in his way of admiring Shinji 

Ren gets up and unplugs the machine, connecting his phone charger 

He sighs   
The picture is safe 

Beeeeeeep 

Eri is wiggling but Ren ignores her   
She stops after awhile   
She is dead 

Ren stays there until the phone is fully charge   
He gets up and unplugs the wire “I’m coming for you, wait for me shinjin”   
Ren puts his helmet on and leaves the room 

Back to Shinjji and tezuka 

“Stop right there Asakura!!!!” Shinji yells as he sees gorochan’s body lying limp on the floor, still coated in the brown thing 

Asakura laughs crazily, bringing out a microphone   
“COME OUT KITAOKA, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE THERE !!!!!” 

Jun laughs along with him, starting to drag gorochan’s body with him 

They are at a red bean factory. 

Kitaoka steps out into the light, horrified at the sight of his precious gorochan desecratef with filth 

“Noooo....nOOO..NOOOO.. you monsters!!!! What have you done to him!!!!!” 

Jun laughs again, turning on the blending machine for red bean paste 

“COME JOIN US FOR SOME RED BEAN SOUP” 

Asakura screams into the mic, gyrating into the air. Jun tosses the body into the blender and it sounds like crackers being cracked up 

Kitaoka screams loudly 

“I have nothing to live for”   
He runs to the machine and dives 

He has joined his beloved gorochan to make special Kitaoka gorochan bean soup.


	4. Chapter fuor (finale)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> drink ur soup kids it's nutritious. Surfing is a good sport.

“Nooooooooooo..!” Shinji Screams, distressed  
Tezuka has had enough of Asakura making shinji upset.  He rushes up and pushes both asakura and jun into the blender 

The soup has become more flavourful. 

shinji cries, lying on the floor in a pool of tears. Tezuka comes back to him, hugging him tp his chest and sings a nice song to him. 

Kanzaki shirou rises out of the soup, pleased with the outcome  
“Yes….! Yes!!! TATAKAI!!!!!!”   
He grabs a bowl that was meant for asakura and drinks it, satisfied   
He retreats back into the soup. 

A motor sound can be heard coming nearer.

It’s Ren 

Tezuka is enraged at the sound and henshins taking out his whip   
this time they will fight for the last time.  

Meanwhile in Ren’s POv 

His phone beeps loudly, showing shinji’s location. He grins..It was worth selling Eri’s things for the tracker  
He takes his helmet off and puts it on his bike, taking his deck out for the duel   
Ren is ready 

“HENSHIN “ he yells when he sees tezuka and Shinji   
tHey both go back into the mirror world to fight, tezuka hitting him on the chest with the whip 

“YOU WILL NEVER MEASUReE UP TO ME REN” He screeches “THIS ChEST IS UNCONOPARAVLE”   
Ren groans, strangely titilated. Tezuka speaks the truth.   
Shinji admires tezuka from afar, longing to stroke him. He will have to wait. 

He continues to smack ren, and Kanzaki shiro can be heard laughing crazily from afar 

“STOP” 

Yui has arrived in the mirror world 

“STOP TataKAi” 

They ignore her, ren continues to groan 

Tears are in Yui’s eyes, her mouth stained with red. She launches herself in between them and his smacked   
Yui screams in pain as tezxuka does not stop with his whip. He is enraged that she has interrupted their fight again. He will show no mercy this time 

Ren lies motionless on the ground, chest broken   
Yui continues to scream loudly in pain 

“NOOOO”  
Kanzaki shiro reappears from the soup, running to a half dead yui   
‘Yui.. WHY????”   
Tezuka stops with his whip, quietly watching him. 

“Onii-chan…. It was to stop the tatakai.,..” Yui breathed, dying. “I kept trying to stop you but you would not listen. It was the only way” 

Tears run down his face, landing onto yui’s cheeks. They feel nice.   
“Yui….’   
“Oniixhan… that soup.. that we had together earlier was nice… thank you for everything” 

Kanzaki shiro screams in sadness, watching her life drain out of her.   
She is dead now. Kanzaki Shiro is distressed and cries like a beast   
He runs towards the blender with her corpse, joining the contents of the delicious soup yui loved.   
They are one now and will never be separated. 

Shinji goes to the writhing Ren’s side.   
“I’m sorry ren.. Tezuka is the only one who can make me happy.”   
He lovingly turns to look at Tezuka  
“That strong chest comforts me when I am down.” 

Ren knows he is defeated. 

“Alright, Shinji. I understand.” He whispered, taking his last breath   
“I can only hope that mine was able to bring you some happiness, at least. ‘   
Shinji nods sadly, going back to his beloved. 

“Finally, I have you.” Tezuka smiles brightly, holding shinji close to his chest. The blender makes splendid waves.

“Let us surf” 

Shinji returns the smile, caressing said chest. 

“Yes.. Let us.” 

Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tezuka always looks like he’s about to snap in all the episodes he appears in which amuses me to no end   
> I might make a spin-off or sequel to this as I had not seen Tojou or Sano yet when I wrote the fic, but now I have so I want to give them a cameo at least. 
> 
> In conclusion, watch me spin into the eighth circle of hell at Mach speed shamelessly 
> 
> If you got here, thank you for bearing with this. *bows*


End file.
